Here I am, all alone. Can't think of anything that would cheer me up. It's all a facade. I am yearning to the light that made my life complete.
All the things I thought were for granted were just mirages. I found out that nothing equals true love. The amount of thinking and suffering I've been through to confirm this is taunting. Most of my days are spent thinking of you. What was wrong with me to linger on a point of how to raise the kids. I'm a true idiot. Why wouldn't I want our kids to be like you. I mean, look at you. An amazing, beautiful, kindhearted human being. I'd actually be proud of them if they were like you.
I'm broken my love. I'm really a man apart. Wishing I could have one moment with you. To be able to tell you how I feel and what I'm thinking off. What realizations I've reached. I'm an idiot. A true idiot. I should've shown you I was just being stubborn for the sake of it. That was stupid. I wish I can go back in time, and erase anything that made you sad. You're the one thing I care about the most. More than anything in my life.
I'm Walking near houses to buy. I don't wanna buy any without you. I wanna scream from the bottom of my lungs. I really miss you V. I'm really nothing without you. My days are void. Gym and work. Gym and work, and more gym.
Edit 1: Right now I'm at Michael's. He was on Quebec city for 2 weeks. And all I wanna do is cry. Just cry. What an idiot I was. To treat you so poorly. To not know your value. Here are many things I really thought off that made me think, what the hell Basel: choosing a place to live in, and where to buy the house. I'm an idiot, ok.
edit 2:
- A house is a mutual decision. And no, it's not in one place or another, but where it makes sense. Going east instead of west makes sense. Since traffic is easier on the other side. The house is defacto in the name of the man and the woman. As for expenses, I always wanted you to take care of the mutual account, I suck at spreadsheets and you're so awesome at them.
- Second, being jealous from your ex. That one, I was really jealous and offended. But I shouldn't be jealous, when you went to Victoria I wanted to go with you and I should have ( i wanted to save my off days so I can take you to Paris, and yes I was planning something instead of Costarica as a surprise). You're the most awesome woman on earth. I said i wasn't jealous before, but after I thought about it, I was.
- Third, now that I lost tons of weight, I'm starting to understand many things you were doing. The healthy breakfast. The No food at late hours. I mean like Jeeesh, I'm. At 174lbs now. I only eat oatmeal for breakfast (sometimes Eggs and maybe sometimes bacon strips if I need Protein). And then lunch. Then nothing after 6. I've stopped chocolate (Now I understand why you refused the box of chocolates when I offered it, I do that all the time now, I'm polite in refusing it but it really made a difference, my muscles are so ripped, more on that later). And my friends are complaining from me walking fast ( I mean like what the hell, I should've used the fast pace to reduce my love-handles which are non-existent now!) . I feel healthy. But above all, I feel what you felt. I understand it, so much so that I'm like, she should've pushed me into that direction and now I appreciate it.
biibii...Hunhun, what do you expect from someone who's head over heals for you. Who knows he was actually sincerely stupid (like really really stupid. Did many things to make you sad, and now he thinks these things over and over. Matured to the point that it agonizes me hunhun). Who knows that nothing in life is worth it if you don't offer things to the one you love. You made so many things happen and I was selfish. You even said that you did. But this man had to go through really rough times to get it into his thick skull.
So you said you have a pretty good idea about my days? ......ok, my days begin at 6 am now, sometimes at 7. Depending on how hungry I am to go make food. I wake up, go slowly to the kitchen to make my breakfast. I make it and go work. I finish work now around 6 (yes, my wife is more important than work. I realize this. You said this multiple times. At the end, my job will be gone and the one I will be with is my wife. Going back at 5 everyday so I can have dinner with her is priceless. Victor does that and I didn't know this till he told me about it.) Then I go to the gym. I am really abusing the gym. To the point that I started looking at Cross-fit. I am waiting for the ankle injury to heal. That was a bad one! I went through much pain but my body is a monster (good Genes!). I will register for 3 months to reap the benefits of such good stamina (I would have preferred to take you to Europe this year to Hike in Germany, France and Switzerland to hike the Alps, it's breathtaking. And walk around Paris. I made many plans for this year now that my stupid wage is around 250k$, I can afford taking you on all the trips we were dreaming off). Then I go home and sleep. Basically work and Gym ( I invited Devin to come over to play some games on my new computer, took a video of it, look at it on my Facebook ). Other than that, I now have 25 days off per year, plus the 20 days carryover from last year and I will end up at 45 days. So I decided to volunteer. I registered with Mike's wife, and she got my a couple of volunteering positions with Autistic kids, one at Cheo which I will start soon and one with seniors at the general hospital and that one is for later (pending Sudeep to give me the second time off, the first one got approved. Edit: my Grandma is in ICU now, so I will have to see what will happen there, my heart can't take all this, losing the 2 people I love the most is not something bearable). And the rest of my moments in between I keep thinking of my stupidity and all the lost chances I've been given with you. How I will keep waiting those 3 years. I don't care what anyone thinks, my heart is not a toy. I will be honest to myself and to my heart. It's not easy this pain I am going through day in day out over you my love. You're the thing that made me go through my rough days and I never thought of it, but took it for granted, yelled at you and made you feel bad, well guess what, that lead to us fighting. I don't wanna fight because I know what's important after I lost it, you're more important than anything in my life.
Things like this I though off over and over. V...hunhun, even if you think this guy doesn't deserve another chance, I will bet my whole life on it and ask for one. I can't imagine going through the life without you in it. And with all I have left in me, I promised myself to make you happy. My days are full of nothing. So many awesome things we have together. My mom called me the other day to day she found pictures of us in her drawer in Amman. Dana posted them on my Facebook. Go take a look if you like. I got promoted and I didn't even feel it. Stupid wage got up and I don't want it unless we spend it together. You're the boss of my life.
I forgot to put this part from the word document so this is the second email. Please read after the first one.
The things I miss the most:
- Waking up at night and looking at the angel next to me with her beautiful face. Talking to her at night without her sensing. I used to talk to you about how much I love you. About our kids and how they’d love us both. I used to talk about hikes and trips. Once I talked about biking a long trail where you’d teach me all the things you know (believe me, one my turn-ons with you was how much knowledge you had on so many things related to hiking).
- Finishing work and picking up the phone to call you and hear your voice. That was the best thing that lifted me up after each work day. Talking about your days. How you had that fight with the girl who wanted her name first at your publication in June 2016 and how you fought to get yours first because you worked your ass off.
- Going to get a morning coffee (which by the way I drink it as you now, black or with milk only). Going to the Tim’s near us to that guy that married the “really young” girl and is waiting on his baby. He probably has his baby delivered by now
- Coming to see you and you come down to open the door. I miss coming up and seeing buttertarts being made or banana bread, or biscuits….oh my God, I miss those biscuits.
- I miss calling you everytime to find that you’re brushing your teeth.
- I miss Coming home to put you between my legs and give you an hour or 2 of massages. Massage your head and your back and your feet.
- I miss calling you in the morning sometimes before you get to the office. It was awesome to get to hear your voice.
- I miss getting the good night from you at night. You are such an awesome girl V.
- I miss the food you used to cook. Now that I eat healthy I am yearning for it.
- I miss looking at you while you’re looking away. Or making you walk in front so I can look at your beautiful ass. I am not ashamed, you have the most beautiful body there is.
- I miss our walks the most, I can’t describe how it affected me not having our usual walks. My heart is aching for walking with you every night. Long fast walks.
- I miss our hike and biking rides. I keep getting a constant reminder that I wanna go to the Adirondacks with you. Last time I went with devin and I didn’t like it. I told him it’s a Veronica Ritual and next year I just wanna do it with her. I also wanted to go to Denver with you, we talked about it but never did it.
- I miss planning for Paris. I did that last year as I was planning “something”. I promised you that trip and really wanted to take you there as my financials got better.
- I miss having you in my life and talking to my friends about you. They all think I talk about you a lot even now. In every thing I talk about you. I still hold that Calendar you made at the office. It’s awesome and dear to my heart.
- I miss thinking about having a family with your family. That last one I felt at the end when grandma started Cancer. I regretted everything I said. Your family is awesome and I was always jealous as to the harmony they have. I wish I can be part of that.
